COUPLES THERAPY IN ENGLISH
IN COPENHAGEN
 

LONG TERM RELATIONSHIP - LONG TERM COMMITMENT 

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If you have been together for a long time, you’ve probably encountered some of the following challenges more than ones:

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• Over time both of you might have changed and maybe took different paths in life - there is a chance you ended up not having so much in common as you had in the beginning 

• After the fist period of the romantic “blind” falling in love, you discover your partner seems changed/different - it feels you don’t really know each other

• Over time (or maybe in alternate periods) you both are unsatisfied, don’t feel you get your needs met in the relationship … the conflicts begin - the blaming and shaming each other - you get tired and want to give up the relationship 

• Life crises kick in (which you will encounter if you are committed to a long time relationship) 

• You become parents and discover you have different values …

• You discover you want different things - f eg what if your partner wants kids and you don't?

• You get too dependent on each other and loose your own independency (in the sense that you become anxious if you have to take decisions by yourself, if you have to do things by yourself..)

• You feel stuck in the relationship 

• You feel a wall has come up between you and you live parallel lives 

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It takes commitment, courage and patience, but also hard work to be in a long term relationship. You are each others life witnesses - you have dreams, projects, challenges together. The challenge is - how do you remain together without giving up yourself for the relationship/for the other - how do you fulfill your needs, dreams, interests without loosing contact to your partner, loosing the relationship…

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Couples therapy could have two different outcomes. Whether it can help you find each other again so you don’t give up what you could have together. You will learn how to be ok with the fact that you are different and took different paths, how to be in disagreement, how to transform a conflict in a learning ground about each other, instead of simply fighting.

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Or couples therapy can help you take the decision to split in a respectful way, without blaming each other, being bitter, or competing about who suffered the most in the relationship.

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Navigating and thriving in a long term relationchip is a particular dear topic to me, because I myself have been in a relationship for more than 20 years. I know the hard work and the challenges, and, in my experience, it’s all worth it. If you are curious, you can read my own experience here.

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SECOND, THIRD, FOURTH RELATIONSHIP - WHEN YOU AND/OR YOUR PARTNER HAVE HAD BAD EXPERIENCES FROM PREVIOUS RELATIONSHIPS

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What can happen being in a toxic/dysfunctional relationship where you experienced being hurt, is that your trust in people might have been damaged. As a result, you might no loger feel safe being in a relationship. (By dysfunctional or toxic I mean a relationship where you experienced, that you have been lied to, deceived, psychologically abused and maybe also physically. There can be many degrees of toxicity - some more obvious, like physical abuse or threats, others more subtle - in the sense that is not direct, but you know that, f eg you cannot decide by yourself…).

 

The following can be relevant even if the relationships you had before, were not toxic.

 

So in the new relationship the following could happen:

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• You (and your partner) can repeat the same patterns - f eg if it was difficult for you to set boundaries then you might have avoided confrontation and conflict in your previous relationship - chances are you will avoid them again in this one.

• If the experience of getting hurt in a previous relationship broke your trust in people, chances are it will be more difficult to open up to/with your partner (even if you want it and even if it is a safe relationship), because your system doesn’t trust it, at least not yet, and not without healing what has been wounded in the previous relationship. 

• If you havn’t processed and healed the feelings you might have experienced in the previous relationship - the pain, the fear, the betrayal, the abandonment… - chances are they can be triggered in the new relationship.

 

In couples therapy you can start to heal and proces what you have experienced in previous relationships. Couples therapy can help you become aware of the mechanisms that you can repeat in the new relationship and can help you change the way you navigate your relationship so you don’t repeat the same (toxic and unhealthy patterns).

 

If you have been through divorce and kids are involved - it is important to look at how you can navigate the contact with your ex, the kids and your new partner. Couples therapy can be the space where both of you can share and talk about your experiences of being in the relationship with the complexity it has. A space where things that can be really hard to say are allowed to be said and feelings that are hard to express can be expressed and acknowledged.

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LIFE CRISES 

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We can experience to be in a life crises in case of f eg - sickness (ours, our partner's or our child’s), death, being in a toxic work environment for a long time and resulting with stres sick leave, change work, change country (read more about the implications of moving to another country for the family, the kids and partner relationship here), etc.

 

Whenever a life cries hits expectedly or unexpectedly, it impacts the partner relationship. For some - it can be a game changer, it can bring the two partners closer. For others - it can drive the partners away from each other, create a wall between the two.

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When we are in crises, our survival mode kicks in. That means that our survival strategie - the ones we have with us from our childhood - they sharpen and come up. F eg if in crises I am used to withdraw from the contact and deal with it by myself, then it’s highly unlikely that I will share with my partner, ask for help, involve him in it. And I might think I am protecting him in that way. That will probably result in me feeling lonely and my partner feeling frustrated because he doesn’t understand what is going on (he might also feel helpless or inadequate).

 

Couples therapy can help both partners become aware and understand these mechanisms and how they get in the way of supporting each other and going through crises together. 

 

Therapy can be extremely important if we have kids, because a life crises affects everyone in the family. The better you manage the crises as a couple, the easier is it for the entire family. Therapy could also help understand if your family needs family therapy. Even if we think we protect our kids by not saying anything, they still feel it/sense it and need help to make sense of what is going on.

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COUPLES WHERE PARTNERS HAVE DIFFERENT CULTURAL BACKGROUND 

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I choose to dedicate a chapter by itself to multicultural couples because, in my experience, that can matter especially when there is a big difference in the way the two partners think and in their life values.

 

Here are some of the things that can characterize such a couple, and maybe you and your partner can relate to that:

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• the beauty of a multifaceted and complex background - the meeting in that, the richness of that

• the possibility of misunderstanding the other

• the worry to be judged

• the worry of being accepted of your partner’s family

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I will give an example. My intention is not to point which one is right or wrong. It’s more to state that, if we are not aware how important our cultural values are for us, they can be the reason of conflict, misunderstanding, disconnection in the relationship. 

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There are cultures where the family is the base, where your life makes sense only as being part of your family. In practice you would help your parents/siblings and it would be expected from your family of origin that you prioritize them. On the other hand, there are cultures where the starting point is you as an individual. That means that your values are guided by your boundaries, needs, dreams and wishes, your decisions will be made starting form there. That can create misunderstandings and different expectations between you and your partner about the decisions you take and the way you prioritize. A simple dilemma like - do I attend all my family's reunions regardless (because that's expected in my family) - can turn in a huge conflict … Another example that can create a lot of conflicts is the different views and values in educating kids. 

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In couples therapy you can become aware of the impact that your different background has and I am here to help you integrate the differences. By integrate I mean learning to talk about it in a respectful way, being ok to disagree, not trying to eliminate the differences but accepting them as part of your relationship.

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COUPLE CHECK SESSION - NURTURE AND MAINTENANCE 

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In my experience, most couples choose to come to therapy when there is a problem, asking for help being related with things going wrong. What if it’s possible to take care of the relationship so things don’t reach a point where it’s too hard to repair, where you are desperate, tired and feel like giving up.

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We are used to talk about healthy life style as less risk to get sick, become stressed. Some of us go regularly to the dentist. Those who have a car, take it to maintenance regularly. But what about the relationship with your partner? A good healthy relationship is directly connected to good mental health and thus robustness to deal with life challenges. 

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Couple check session - once in a while - could be a way to maintain your relationship and to prevent crises.

 

Couple check is about taking the temperature of your relationship by sharing how you feel with each other, how each of you experiences the contact between you two. Couple check can help you discover things you didn’t know about each other and your relationship, or re-think things you thought you knew. 

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Because in the busy everyday life and with all that life can bring to us, there is a chance that both of you wake up one day, and realize you are too far away from each other….and, it can be too late to repair. 

 

Even if you experience that you have a good connection with your partner, a couple check session is a good idea and it might surprise both of you.

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WHEN IS TOO LATE?

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Maybe you can recognize this - the fights are too many, the atmosphere is too toxic - the trust is not there, both of you feel unsafe and scared, stuck and tired, and you have been feeling like that for a long time now.

 

I don’t know if it is too late, I don’t know if you can save the relationship. If you choose couples therapy, we will have to find out together. 

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It can go both ways. Either you find out that both of you want to repair, that you are willing to commit to the hard work. Or you find out that it is too late, because it’s nothing there to repair or you don’t have the energy and think it’s not worth it, or one of you doesn’t want the relationship any more, so you have to let go….

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Either way, couples therapy can help each of you take responsibility for your own part in the relationship. If you repair, you will have a better relationship. If you end the relationship, then both of you deal with that in a respectful responsible way - not blaming and shaming each other. 

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Sometimes during couples therapy, we discover that the partners have to go to individual therapy, before they are able to work on their relationship.

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YOU MAY ALSO WANT TO CONSIDER THIS:

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1. HOW OFTEN AND HOW MANY SESSIONS?

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It depends on the complexity of the challenges, the ressources as a couple and as individuals, the commitment for the work to come and the economical possibilities. 

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In my experience - the more complex the problematics and the later you come - the more sessions will be needed. In the beginning, once every second week (for some once a week), but no more than three weeks between the sessions.

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2. WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF COUPLES THERAPY?

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Many couples ask whether it will improve their relationship. I don’t know and in the beginning, no one knows. I can say from my part that, I put all the commitment in it. And it depends on different factors like - your commitment, the continuity and how serious you take the work, the capacity to really change things, and our relationship and contact - the safer both of you feel in the therapy room, the better the results. That is why evaluation of the process is very important and we do it together every 5th session. 

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It can be different from couple to couple when one might experience change and improvement.

 

3. HOW TO CHOOSE YOUR THERAPIST

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There are many therapists out there, but not all are good therapists. Unfortunately psychotherapist is not a protected titel as such. That means, that even a person who had a three days cours can call oneself a therapist. So it can be hard to find a good one and you would be lucky, if you found one from the first experience. 

 

Unfortunately many have had bad experiences and give up after they tried once or twice. 

 

Another thing to consider is, we don’t mean the same with “therapy” - there are many schools and directions - some with more effect than other.

 

I would suggest:

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• check the therapist - better if it’s a recommended one 

• If possible - have a fri short conversation with the therapist before you start.

• Even if recommended - if after 3-4 sessions you don’t feel that the work you do makes sense, one or both of you experience you are misunderstood, you don’t experience a good connection with the therapist; the therapist doesn’t really seem to understand what your challenges are - change therapist - don’t waist your time and money or even worse - you loose hope in the help that couples therapy can give.

 

You can book a fri non binding conversation with me here:

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